


Misadventures in fire alarms

by SonicGavel



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1, M/M, Raf can't cook, Sonny loves him anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-03-26 11:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13857180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonicGavel/pseuds/SonicGavel
Summary: "Shit, my meatballs." Rafael acked as he ran to put the fire out and then burned and electrocuted himself at the same time just as the fire alarm went off and Sonny was in close view."What the fuck?" Sonny just guffawed in shock as he stood there and watched his boyfriend flail around on the floor with second degree burns and his kitchenette walls on fire.Or five times Rafael failed as a home cook and the one time he didn't.





	1. Ever seen L.A. Without a Map?

**Author's Note:**

> So I put the 5+1 thing in a multi-chap format. Thought I'd put it in a new perspective unless someone's already done that. If that's the case, leave a title in the comments.

Rafael was never a cook. Sonny knew this from the beginning of not only their physical/emotional relationship, but their work one as well. He once almost set his family home on fire trying to cook an egg.

"Aw, Rafi. Once you become judge, you won't need to cook for yourself." Catalina cooed at him, which made him blush at that statement.

He then in college, he turned ramen noodles into a thickner for a starchy soup. Rita to this day still doesn't let him live it down.

"To this day, I still brag that my best friend made Ramen drinkable. Take that, Gary from SpongeBob." Rita laughed one night during a gala for all the New York lawyers, himself and Rita included.

But he really wanted to try to cook, especially once he met Sonny and did his best to cook for the younger man. Sonny was easy to please but he didn't want to seem like a bad boyfriend whenever Sonny came over. He was desperate.  
....................................................................  
Chorizo and Italian sausage subs  
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Rafael took off work early to make meatball subs for dinner. He prepped stuff ahead of time, last night. All he had to do was pop the meatballs in the oven, a cookie sheet already in the fridge. Catalina's recipe was something she held dear, since she learned from a foreign exchange student she'd befriended before Castro came to power, and before she died, before Rafael almost sent her to the rest home, she gave it to him. He promised not to let her down, praying he'd keep this promise.

The timer was set for 90 minutes at 350 degrees and he was starting to get the rolls ready when his oven died.

"Fuck." Rafael said as he took the sheet out and then he thought of another way to cook the meatballs. Then he remembered a YouTube video of a movie that wasn't released in theaters here and how the main character took a fork and a knife and stabbed his hot dog with them to get the cables of the microwave to use the electricity to cook the hot dog. He did just that to cook three meatballs at a time. It was painstaking, but worth it. He was halfway through when he got a knock on the door.

"Hello?" Rafael answered.

"Hello, I'm here to check your water meter?" The guy said. Rafael was puzzled, he didn't remember doing an appointment with the meter reader.

"I'm sorry, you must be confused." Raf said.

"This says apartment 217, don't it?" The guy asked.

"On your paper, maybe. This is 271." Rafael straightened. As this was going on, the meatballs began to catch fire and the meter reader smelled smoke.

"Oh, I'm sorry, pal. First day here, you know how that is. Say, you smell that?" The meter reader asked as Rafael turned around and saw the fire blazing.

"Shit, my meatballs." Rafael acked as he ran to put the fire out and then burned and electrocuted himself at the same time just as the fire alarm went off and Sonny was in close view.

"What the fuck?" Sonny just guffawed in shock as he stood there and watched his boyfriend flail around on the floor with second degree burns and his kitchenette walls on fire.  
...................................................................  
When Raf came to, he was on a hospital gown and IV tubes were in his arms.

"You're up." Sonny cooed when he came in the room and saw Rafael's eyes.

"How bad's the apartment?" Rafael asked.

"Waterlogged, especially the kitchen. Luckily, nothing else was destroyed but you're gonna have to move in with me for a few days. What were you doing anyway?" Sonny finished.

"Cooking us dinner." Rafael said.

"By charbroiling the apartment and yourself?" Sonny joked and Raf went to tickle him.

"I was using my Abuelita's meatballs recipe she collaborated with a foreign exchange student on when she was a teen back in Cuba." Raf said. "But then the oven died and then the meter reader distracted me when I was trying to cook them in an alternative manner that was done in that movie clip I was shown by Carmen that one day."

"You mean that clip where that guy electrocutes himself because he got distracted?" That clip?" Sonny laughed so hard at that realization he fell to the floor and then cried afterwards.

"It's not funny, Sonny." Rafael said.

"Relax. It kinda is, but life imitates art imitates life to paraphrase Ingrid Michaelson." Sonny took a deep breath. "Come on, I'll make dinner. I can make your favorite chicken dish and I saw L.A. Without a Map's playing on Netflix." Sonny then filled out the discharge papers and Raf was good to go.

"What is that movie anyway, L.A. Without a Map?" Raf asked.

"The movie you almost killed yourself over trying to emulate." Sonny said chuckling as Rafael's head turned beat red.


	2. Perfect for Independence Day burgers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf attempts pizza dough. See title for how well it goes.

Once Rafael was done recooperating after the L.A. Without A Map accident, he wanted to repay Sonny by making him a special meal. By God, he was gonna get it right or Roman Gods will strike him with their murderous powers.  
......................................................................  
Grilled pizza with goat cheese and sundried tomato  
.......................................................................  
Raf was able to get the pizza dough made. He rolled them into palm-sized balls. He would've finished rolling them out sooner and took whatever was left to make those crunchy breadsticks if Liv didn't call.

"Oh hi, Liv. No, I'll be back tomorrow. Thought I'd stay home and cook." Raf said as suddenly, the dough somehow got dumped and went on the griddle, beginning to shrink. The dough balls began to shrink and turn black throughout the conversation and by the time they were extra crisp and hard, Raf heard the fire alarm go off and turned to see the catastrophy.

"Liv, I gotta call you back" Raf said as he quickly hung up, then went to clean up the mess. When Sonny came home, he heard what happened and laughed when Raf showed him the now doughball briquetes.

"Relax, at least for Fourth of July, we can have charcoal burgers." Sonny said as he nuzzled Rafael's cheek. "In the meantime, would you like to get takeout? I'll order my favorite pizza place." He then ordered the kind of pizza Raf was gonna grill for him and a pepperoni to share with Raf, thinking he'd need something simple after a hard afternoon.


	3. Teri Hatcher called, she wants her mac and cheese murdering powers back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf burns cheese sauce and relives the Ramen incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Susan's failed attempts to make Mac and Cheese on Desperate Housewives.

Rafael stooped to cooking simple this time. If he was gonna be a home cook for days when Sonny couldn't, he wouldn't stray from that stove. No, this time he had a surefire way to do that. And it took a kid to quell this man's kid at heart of another man.  
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Mac and cheese (What could possibly go wrong?)  
...................................................................  
Noah mixed the cheese while waiting for the roux to be done.

"How's the roux coming, Uncle Rafa?" Noah asked.

"It's still raw looking." Rafael said as he gave a report.

"Leave it alone to cook and then check on the macaroni." Noah said as Rafael did so.

"How do you know so much?" Raf asked.

"Mommy and Aunt Amanda teach Jessie and I how to do things in the kitchen at least once a month." Noah explained.

"Of course." Rafael said as he checked the macaroni.

"Um, is the macaroni supposed to clump to each other?" Rafael asked.

"Did you stir it?" Noah asked. Rafael facepalmed himself and Noah just laughed a little bit. "It's okay, Uncle Rafa. It's not like the macaroni's melting into the water." Noah comforted him as Rafael turned off the burner. However, he didn't turn off the burner and turned it on high while dealing with the roux. But once he checked it, he saw it was too late to make cheese sauce.

"This couldn't get worse." Raf said as if things weren't bad enough. Not only did the water overboil but Noah's comment came true as well. The macaroni melted and started becoming one with the water. Before he could get the stuff off the stove, Raf could hear the smoke alarm coming on and Noah called 911 immediately.  
...................................................................  
When Liv and Sonny got to the apartment, they were glad their respective significant others were safe. When they heard the story though, Liv took Noah to dinner instead and Sonny just comforted Raf as his pride got more and more injured by the digs applied by the entire fire department to the older man, who failed at simply cooking mac and cheese.

"Just like Susan from Desperate Housewives." One fireman said. The other one passing by happened to be an old friend of Sonny's.

"Yeah, me and my other housemates the next time we see Sonny oughta call the man Dean Cain for having Teri Hatcher as a significant other." The firefighter who knew Sonny said. Sonny needed to remember to give that guy a good asskicking the next time he saw him.

"That's the second fire I've set this month and all over something as simple as Mac and cheese." Raf beat himself. "And I remember the damn egg, I don't want to be reminded."

"Raf, baby. You know you don't have to try so much." Sonny said as he reassuringly put his hands on his lover's chest. "You satisfy me in other ways."

"But what is a good boyfriend if they can't cook for their boyfriend who cooks for me all the times we have a homecooked meal?" Rafael asked. Suddenly, the fire marshal came up to them.

"You're clear to go up. We just covered the burner with the lid. You might need a new oven now though." The fire marshal said.

"We appreciate it, marshal. Thank you. What about everything else?" Sonny asked.

"You can make pasta dough gumbo for dinner if you want, everything's salvaged and still upstairs." The marshall said when they were done. Rafael just hanged his head down in shame.

"Come on, Lois, my culinarily unlucky Susan. Let your Clark be your Mr. Fix-it Mike, fly over to Forlini's and pick you up something for dinner and tomorrow, we make that gumbo after going oven shopping." Sonny said as he wrapped one arm around Raf's side and walked back in the building to call Forlini's.


	4. Missed the mark and now you need a $20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf attempts a Valentine's Day dessert and misses a direction while getting another ingredient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from my interpretation of what Harry said in the Hello Sucker special: "Got a $20? I hardly EVER fuck it up with a $20."
> 
> He was talking about a trick he was doing on stage, but still applies to when people fuck up in general.

Rafael woke up on Valentine's Day morning to attempt to do a romantic dessert for Sonny. He needed to do something. He felt helpless not being able to cook dinner. He should've started lowest with dessert. At least that's what he hoped was lowest.  
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Chocolate fudge balls  
..................................................................  
He started around 5 in the morning, slaving away making the gaunasche for the clear liquid stuff to go into. He checked the recipe in Sonny's notebook and noticed he forgot one more ingredient. He went to get it but while he was searching around, the temperature on the gaunasche changed and then the sauce pan with the gaunasche caught on fire from the inside slightly.

"Got it!" Raf rejoiced as he found the cooking bottle of AMARETTO and added it to the gaunasche, unaware of the flame inside the sauce pan. One small pour and Dante called.

"AH! Raf screamed as he took the sauce pan with the clear stuff off the adjacent burner and then looked for the lid to the other pan. He just threw caution to the wind and ran cold water as he destroyed his already destroyed hard work. The fire alarm then decided to come on and Sonny ran in to see the catastrophy that unfolded in the kitchen.  
..................................................................  
"And how do you set chocolate gaunasche on fire?" Sonny asked.

"I don't know." Rafael said. "All I know is I was looking for Amaretto and I didn't see the fire until I poured it in." Raf sighed as Sonny lightly laughed and he held his boyfriend tightly.

"Aw, come here, Rafi. You'll get there someday. You're strong, confident and you're a badass lawyer. MY badass lawyer. In the meantime, you'll have to buy me a new sauce pan and candy thermometer. And I was gonna make you coffee custard anyway. I know you love that, ever since your mother and grandmother used to make it for you?" Sonny gave Rafael the sweetest smirk and Raf felt a little better. But the next day at the precinct, when Amanda somehow heard about the chocolate inferno, she gave him a $20 bill.

"So you don't fuck up again." Amanda laughed and Sonny instantly gave her the death glare before requesting a long break from Liv to comfort his lover with a bruised ego.

Liv gave them the rest of the day and reprimanded Amanda for adding to the ego bruising.


	5. Nothing says yams like burnt and poisonous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble at the SVU Thanksgiving potluck ensues when a certain ADA's yams are not only tarred, but are also raw and laced with botulism.

"I don't know why I try anymore." Rafael groaned as everyone keeled over in the waiting room of the hospital.

"How did all this happen?" Melinda asked as she questioned Raf.

"It started on Monday..." Raf started.  
.................................................................  
Raf received notice that he and Sonny had to both make a dish for the SVU Thanksgiving potluck and he was determined to make this work or he'd never step foot in another kitchen.

"I will NOT fuck up this time." He groaned as he began searching for a potato peeler.  
.................................................................  
Sweet potatoes  
.................................................................  
He went to peeling, put each one in the masher, kept them in an aluminum pan for cooking come Wednesday, then went right to letting Sonny do his dish, the dressing which was to go to Amanda's so half of it was to go into the bird she was prepping as soon as he was done. The next day, while they were working, the power in their apartment was temporarily out for five hours, but both came home just in time, none of them the wiser. When Wednesday came, Sonny went to Amanda's while Raf accidently put the oven on charbroil, which overcooked the top. ONLY the top. The fire alarm had to alert him to tar on top of the sweet potatoes. Not to mention it was still raw, but Raf got so razzled with the fact he had to do this and he was tired of being told he sucks as a cook that he said fuck it and just chucked it in the fridge for the next day.

.................................................................  
When Thursday came, Raf served the unknowingly bad yams to everyone and they got sick in 2 hours. Not even Sonny was spared. Feeling guilty, Raf drove them to the hospital.

"I will never tease Barba on his cooking again." Amanda groaned, feeling sweaty.

"I feel like I got that flesh-eating virus in that Tales from the Crypt episode with Steve Buschemi." Sonny cried as he started to get a fiery fever. The ever cool Fin couldn't say anything as he was just puking his guts out and Liv was lucky she missed out because she was with Noah and Jessie at Sheila's having their own Thanksgiving. Melinda ordered everyone's stomachs pumped and that's where they were.

"Just as I suspected, botulism and bacteria in the sweet potatoes." She said as Rafael sat with her in her office.

"I pretty much poisoned the team. Damn it, why am I such a bad chef?" Raf asked.

"I don't know, Barba. Perhaps you need to read up more on how to be a better chef. By the way, everyone's fine. Rollins will be afraid of you from now on and Fin won't ever enjoy potatoes again, but they're resting comfortably." Melinda showed him to where they were resting.

"Well if it isn't Christine Sullivan. Come back with more bad yams?" Fin asked when Rafael came in.

"Lay off him, Fin. He's had a hard year." Sonny barked as he reached a hand out to the love of his life. Raf's heart relaxed and fluttered when he saw his boyfriend still defended him even if he did unintentionally poison him. They sat in comfortable silence for an hour, just glad to still be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is an AU where Sheila didn't lose her mind and kidnap Noah. Sue me if you dislike.


	6. You have just entered the Twilight Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter. We find the one dish Raf can't fuck up...read to find out.

Raf was laughing maniacally when he finally found it.

"The one thing I can cook. I finally found it. I FINALLY FOUND IT!" He screamed out as Sonny came home to a pristine household and the sound of silence save for Raf going rabid.

"Rafi? What's going on? Mmm, and what smells so good?" Sonny asked when he followed the smell of the mystery dinner to the kitchen.  
................................................................  
Pancakes  
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"I wondered if I could work the egg again and I did, Sonny. I can make you something." Raf said in his excitement as he fed him a cooling pancake.

"Yum. Hey you did everything right. Who are you and where's the real Rafael?" Sonny joked as he pulled out the plates.

"He's right here and he can finally cook." Raf said as he began to cry once he shut everything off when he was done cooking. "God you don't know how much of a struggle that was." Raf said as he collapsed into Sonny. Sonny petted his hair and told him how proud he was.

"You can cook and you can do it well. I'm so proud of you, my brilliant boyfriend." Sonny saif as he kissed Rafael and congratulated him again with a kiss. It was only a shame now that Fin and Amanda couldn't want to try Raf's food now due to the yams incident, but they'd try and fix that another time.

"Come on, let's dig in." Sonny said with a big gappy smile as they began to eat the very first successful thing Raf ever made.

**Author's Note:**

> You MUST see that scene. It should still be on YouTube.


End file.
